I am no poster mom.
Being a mother was the last thing I wanted to be.
For a very long time I looked at my daughter with
resentment, I blamed her for my marriage. I thought “had I not been pregnant I would not have decided to get married in the
first place.”
So there I was 23, married, a mother of a kid I don’t even
really want.
Two years later, I had just gotten used to the cards I’ve
been dealt and boom! Pregnant AGAIN!!! Kill me now, that was what I wanted when
I found out but then I thought…”no wait…this
time it will be better.”
It will go better because now I am married, we live in a
beautiful home and things are going OK for us. If anything, this baby will
complete the picture and make our marriage even stronger. This time I would
have the happy, bubbly, picture perfect pregnancy.
WRONG WAS I!!!
I cried for days because I wasn’t ready, I was unhappy as a
mother, I had just gotten used to her and now this. My parents were skeptical
because a 2-year gap is not enough, “you
should have at least waited another
year” they said. I was fat and uncomfortable and well…alone. The loneliness
never ended in fact, it only got worse when he was finally born.
He was gorgeous. The cutest little thing, just like his
sister.
With her though I had so much help in the hospital, they
took her away at night and I could sleep. Not with him, he stayed with me and I
even had to bath him myself. I had a C-section so getting up was painful,
moving from one side to another, even laughing was painful and uncomfortable. I
was miserable.
To top it off, his birth marked the end of my marriage. And
yet again, I had a child I could blame for the misery I was in.
I was ready to leave my husband and give him the kids too.
Every time we had a fight I told him to take his kids with him. I would look at
them and think “I would not be sad for
long if anything ever happened to them, I would do what has to be done and move
on. It would certainly make divorce easier and everything else in my life for
that matter.” I was over it all.
That was the darkest time of my life. I haven’t experienced
a darker time than that, not even when we finally got divorced.
Today I can still imagine my life without them…totally! And it’s
a fabulous life at that lol if I could go back would I change things?
Definitely. I would wait, I would be patient and be self-control itself.
Perhaps then God would have blessed me with them and they
would have been received in happier times.
If my life went the way I had intended it to then, I’d be
married for a year now and probably be 3months pregnant. I would live
comfortable in the burbs, 2cars, 1 dog (a golden retriever), my husband and I
would be young pastors and my parents could depend on us to support them
financially.
Doesn’t that sound good? It is hard to trust God’s plan when
yours is so good hahaha but we make decisions in our lives that bring us to a
place where we have no other choice but to trust God.
He is God. He remains the same. No matter how dark our lives
or our hearts get, He loves us the same…
HOW CAN THAT BE? I don’t know but I don’t want to let go of
this perfect God.
Comments
Post a Comment