There are scars to my beautiful

“He calls me beautiful one” Song of Solomon 2: 10

I have a really talented photographer friend who often calls me to come along for a walk and do a few pictures with his camera.

It is always, without fail, hilarious because first off, I don’t know how to stand or act in front of a camera. I get terribly awkward and my confidence levels are at an all time low.

In my journey to discover myself and work on becoming the woman God sees, it is important to me to figure myself out.

Why am I like this? Why do I not see what he sees? Why is that situation suffocating my confidence when it should be boosting it?

This is what I’ve discovered:

I loved a man very much until I got hurt and closed my heart to him completely. Do you know what broke me? Of course you don’t, hahahaha…what broke me completely was finding the gallery on his phone filled with random pictures of someone else.

Not a couple of someones (I don’t know if that would have made it better) just one someone.

The pictures were random, spur of the moment pictures. You know, the ones where you pause and realise “I want to capture this moment and cherish it”

None of those were me. I recall being pathetic and asking him about it and he showed me 2 pictures of me, which I sent him.

The person I loved with all my heart assumed I knew that I was beautiful; he assumed that even after birthing two kids, I knew I was beautiful.

I didn’t know.

So today, I don’t understand someone wanting to take my picture, I fall in love at the drop of a pin with a potential that takes even one picture of me. And you saying I am beautiful makes no sense to me at all.

You’d think after reading this that I also don’t post selfies…but anyone that follows me will tell you that I do, regularly J  and recently someone told me jokingly that I am Narcissistic.

But there is method to the madness. I see the pretty, I try to convince myself of the beauty and I get it.

Believing that other people see it too and that when they say it they mean it….that’s a different story.

The one you love can damage you, the wound heals but the scar remains.

Are scars a bad thing to have? Absolutely not. Scars become a testimony, they prove that healing is possible.

What i am not going to do is allow my scars to define who i am. I will not allow it to keep me from living and saying yes to every photo opportunity and thank you to every compliment.

Love,
Mel